So, first things first– I’M AN AUNT!

Devin Marley was born yesterday at 12:06 PM after just two pushes. He was very overdue, and much anticipated. My brother had a dream a few nights ago that his son arrived, fully talking, and said Hey, it’s me. Your baby, and Ben was all, Baby! I’ve been waiting for you! and the baby was like, Yeah, I had to take care of some stuff. But I’m here now. Ben: Well, I’m your dad. Baby: Cool. Can I have some food? Ben: Yeah, you sure can. Baby, you are AWESOME.

I have honestly never seen any man as anxious to be a father as my brother was. Even though his son came out completely mute and slightly disgruntled, Michelle said Ben was still wrought with joy. It was, he told everyone he saw, the best day of his life, and Devin is the new love of it.

Before:

And after:

And one more of the new family:

Michelle said he looks like Ben, but in photos he totally resembles Jessie. I’m hoping to go up this weekend to get a peek for myself, and start spoiling him.

Of course Devin arrived just hours after I left. Heh. I was there for two whole days. Michelle drove me up Friday afternoon while Jason did Kid Duty for the night. Elias had a birthday party, and Jason brought Tara along with him as a friend slash nanny. (This caused a little bit of drama, as Tara didn’t leave until midnight– and a single co-worker in your house with your husband is always a yellow flag, if not a red one– but once I got back J told me everything that happened. Which included Tara’s past relationship woes, and them trying to beat Super Paper Mario. Then I felt guilty for thinking either of them was capable of cheating. Jason totally isn’t that guy, and Tara totally isn’t that girl. I’d just been in a really drama-filled situation where there were adultery admissions flying left and right, and it made me approach the whole thing with a negative spin. It’s kind of like when you wake up from a nightmare at midnight, and suddenly your room seems REALLY terrifying. A couple hours later, when you’re well rested and the sun is out, you’re like, This place? THIS was scary? It just depends the circumstances around your view.)

The drive up to VA was awesome. It flew by, mostly because we had some great music to listen to. First it was some Anoop, and then Michelle broke out the old school CDs. From, like, 2003. Here’s a nice sampling of what went down in the car (WARNING: NSFW):

BECCA: AND IT’S MY BIZNNAZZZ, MY BIZZNAZZZ!

MICHELLE: STAY THE F*** UP OUTTA MY BIZZZNAZZZ!

BECCA: CUZ IT’S MINE ALL MINE!

Oh my God, that song is so ridiculous good. I forgot.

Michelle had this alter ego when we were in high school called Lil Shell. Lil Shell was pretty much like Lil Kim, only slightly less raunchy (only slightly) and white. So these were all “Lil Shell” mixes. Keeping it classy. You know how we do.

We also listened to some of my newer mixes, which had the updated version of Phantom Planet’s “Do The Panic”.

MICHELLE: Wait, these aren’t the old lyrics.

BECCA: — No, they re-released the song with new ones.

Michelle grips the steering wheel, and rocks back and forth in a mock breakdown.

MICHELLE: No. No. No. No. I don’t like this. No. This is not what I wanted. No. No. No.

This is the FUNNIEST thing I have ever seen, and I reference it to death over the rest of the trip.

BECCA: Hey Michelle.

MICHELLE: Hey what?

BECCA: I have a really funny, fun, really easy question for you.

MICHELLE: Okay!

BECCA: Okay, if you could make a rock band entirely out of celebrities, who would you pick and what would they play?

MICHELLE: Am I trying to win something?

BECCA: No. For fun. It’s a shindig at your place.

MICHELLE: OH. Well… I’ve still never met Will Ferrell. So I’ll put him on drums.

BECCA: Okay, who else?

MICHELLE: …I’d sing, because I’m a good singer.

BECCA: You are a good singer.

MICHELLE: Thank you. I think so.

BECCA: Okay, well, who’s on guitar and bass?

MICHELLE: I’d put– Dave Grohl on guitar. Because he’s good. And he’d be fun to have around.

BECCA: Cool.

MICHELLE: I need a girl. To even it up.

She picked Kate Beckinsale, then took it back and replaced her with Amy Poehler.

MICHELLE: And we’d be called Lowered Expectations.

BECCA: Well played, friend.

MICHELLE: Who would you pick?

BECCA: I–

MICHELLE: You should have Robert Pattinson sing.

BECCA: BWAHAHAHA. Okay. Yes. He can caterwaul up there. Perfect. And I’ll play guitar, because that’s what I’m good at.

MICHELLE: Yeah, you’re good at guitar.

BECCA: Thank you. And– I’m putting John Krasinski on drums. Because he has long arms. Like an octopus. Nannerpuss on drums.

MICHELLE: NANNERPUSS? WHAT THE HELL? THAT’S AWESOME!

BECCA: YOU DON’T KNOW WHO NANNERPUSS IS?

I have to explain it to her, and now I just watched the video again, and tell me that isn’t exactly what you imagine John Krasinski playing the drums to look like, minus a few limbs.

I even made an illustration. It took me about five minutes.

BECCA: My new goals in life are as follows– one, publish my novel; two, attend Comic Con and have my own booth; three, meet John Krasinski and convince him to allow me to call him Nannerpuss.

MICHELLE: They’re noble goals.

BECCA: They are.

MICHELLE: You didn’t finish your band.

BECCA: Oh. Um. What do I have left?

MICHELLE: Bass.

BECCA:– the middle Jonas brother. The one that looks like young Mike Pappa. Mike Pappa Jonas. He always looks like he’s on the cusp of full-blown depression. We need to lighten that dude up.

I rename Mike Pappa Jonas to Fudge Rounds Jonas afterward– so Fudge Rounds, RPattz and Nannerpuss are the band. We don’t have a name, because the nicknames are good enough.

We went out to dinner at 10 when we actually got to Virginia. Melting Pot. This waiter was INSANE– his name was Drew, and he was the best ever. Not only was he all over our normal dining needs, but he PAMPERED us. When he found out it was Michelle’s birthday, he asked where we were going afterwards. We said we didn’t know the area, so he went in the back and printed a list of all the local clubs and bars. Then, he brought it to us and personally discussed each place. Nice enough, right? THEN he told us we were skinny, and could use some chocolate dessert. Which would normally be the sort of thing a waiter would say to fatten the bill, but he paid out of his own pocket for the chocolate dish. Yes. He TREATED us to dessert. And he brought it two trays of goodies, one just for Michelle with a lit candle in the center of her cheesecake. WHAT. After she made a wish, he returned and asked us to all squeeze on one bench, just so he could “try something”. “I heard you left your camera at home,” he said (which I had actually mentioned once in passing), “so I wanted to take a picture of you all so you had a memory of your visit.” HE TOOK OUR PICTURE. And then he printed it out and FRAMED IT for us.

BECCA: I’m half expecting him to be like, “Look up!” and then puppies will rain down on you.

MICHELLE: I KNOW.

My mom left him a sick tip. He wrote Hope you have a wonderful birthday! Drew on the bill with a smiley face. We all wrote little notes back. Michelle was still struggling with her drink, and I intoned, Mortal Kombat style: “FINISH IT!”

MICHELLE: FATALITY!

Um. What else. We were too full to go dancing, so we pretty much went home. Hung out with Becky Jo the next day. Saw ‘The Watchmen’. I won’t touch on that again, because I already did (and I’m not trying to start a flame war, in total seriousness– it’s not worth ruining friendships over)– but I will say the one positive of the experience is that it led into a slew of penis jokes, and then into us reverting to middle schoolers. We have ALL seen men naked, in person, up close; but there is something about a giant glowing blue phallus that is STILL FUNNY. I know everyone thinks that boys are the grossest when they’re together, but I think girls are a lot more frank. We are SPECIFIC in our jokes. I won’t even repeat some of what was said, because someday Becky and Michelle will have children and their children will be totally freaked out by what their mom was doing with a long blue can of Red Bull at Target.

I can say that later that night, hopped up on caffeine and junk food, we all discussed if we would make out with Dr. Manhattan.

BECKY: Um….

MICHELLE: Umm…. I wouldn’t say NEVER.

BECKY: Yeah, not NEVER. Like–

BECCA: Well, okay, let’s put it like this. Would you make out with a mutant?

MICHELLE: What kind of a mutant?

BECCA: I don’t know. Pick one.

BECKY: Like WOLVERINE?

BECCA: Yeah, Wolverine.

MICHELLE: Ew, no! His claws– and he’s kind of crazy.

BECKY: INTENSE, you mean.

Becky clutches her pillow to her bosom.

BECKY: Ohhhh Wolverine.

BECCA: Oh my gosh, you totally would make out with Wolverine.

BECKY: He’s so MANLY.

MICHELLE: I would make out with one of the other X-Men, probably.

BECCA: Like the guy with the laser eyes?

MICHELLE: Yeah, yeah. Okay, that dude.

BECKY: And his motorcycle, and his jacket. The SIDEBURNS.

BECCA: HAHAHAHA. I had no idea you were so into him, Becky.

BECKY: I MEAN, IT’S WOLVERINE.

MICHELLE: Okay, so the answer is yes: we would make out with mutants.

BECCA: What about– okay, you know, what about zombies?

BECKY: What kind of zombies?

BECCA: Let’s say Dave turned into a zombie. Would you make out with him?

BECKY: Is he all rotting?

BECCA: … Yes.

BECKY: I don’t know. Yes. Okay.

MICHELLE: I would make out with a zombie.

BECCA: HAHAHAAHAHAHA. You guys have, like, such low standards.

We all laugh.

MICHELLE: My standards are– Is he a boy? Does he like me? THEN LET’S DO THIS.

My parents send me on a train home the next morning, which was something I wanted to do before I died and now I’ve done it. I was so excited to ride the rails, and the woman beside me had done it like a gazillion times, and had no interest in my bright-eyed enthusiasm. I wish I’d brought my laptop. Instead, I just listened to music on my new phone, over and over, for four hours. It sounds boring, but it was actually the most peaceful experience I’ve had in recent memory. Just gazing out the window, winding through the small decaying towns, the lush pastures, the industrial outskirts. Jeff Buckley is perfect train music, I decided. I’d love to do it again with a partner in crime. The only thing that would’ve made it nicer was company.

And a clean bathroom. Because that toilet was appalling.

When I got off the train, Jason and the kids were waiting. It was sunny and 80 degrees, and they were literally glowing in the early twilight. Just holding them felt like I was home.

The week so far has been pretty quiet. Addie has found a new baby called Apples, which is an actual apple, and she puts it to bed all over the house. She’d also started blaming her hands for her mischief. I found her fingers covered in fudge yesterday, and I was like, “ADDIE!” and she was like, “–HANDS!” Totally serious. “Oh, Hands,” she continued, her voice dripping with disapproval, “I told you NO, you no do that to the chocolate. Hands, you are in time OUT. You are in TROUBLE, HANDS.” Then she looked at me and shook her head: what are you gonna do?

I’m so glad this theme is up. I have kinks to work out all over the place, but the BONES are in place, and some of the meat is even there. I’m really looking forward to fleshing it out. Thanks so much for visiting. I know I don’t say it enough. Thanks for hanging out with me. It’s nice to have you around.