Psst. Hi. I’m writing from bed, after everyone else has gone to sleep, just to share the conversation Jason and I had before he climbed under the covers and dozed off, because it is possibly the best conversation I’ve had so far this week and it’s already technically Wednesday:

BECCA: Okay, that was officially the worst movie I’ve ever seen.

JASON: Well, it was called ‘The Witches of Breastwick’, and it was on a free movie channel. You couldn’t be expecting much.

BECCA: I know, but I thought it would be, like, hilariously stupid. It wasn’t. It was just– plain stupid.

JASON: They don’t have much of a budget for those kinds of things.

Yes, I will interject here that it was an Adult Film. I have never seen one, and we had just finished watching an ‘Alien vs Predator: Requiem’. It was the ONLY mildly funny looking option on all the on-demand channels. I just wanted to get the aliens out of my mind. I couldn’t go to sleep on that note. The other movies were about things like people being shot in the ghetto and mentally handicapped people trying to win custody of their children and women dying of AIDS and men dying of Alzheimer’s. So, yes. I saw ‘Witches of Breastwick’ and was all, PLEASE. LET’S LAUGH AT THIS.

JASON: I just can’t believe they reused the same house for every set. And it was such an ugly house.

BECCA: Ugh, I know. I can’t believe they eventually just started throwing glances at the camera. Like, really? I’m supposed to suspend disbelief enough that you are a man haunted by dreams of witches trying to sex you and you go to a sex therapist–

JASON: Who is also a part-time babysitter, remember.

BECCA: Who has sex with you in her office– which!! WHICH!!–has a big wet bar instead of a front desk and a secretary with only a bottle of scotch and no phone. And also the entire universe is in danger because a sex-crazed witch is coming back to do something bad which isn’t fully explained but I think it means more sex with David. And now you’re looking at the CAMERA?

JASON: Ugh. DAVID.

BECCA: I KNOW.

JASON: The tribal neck tattoo. The fact that he wore 80′s jeans and nothing else for half the movie.

BECCA: That face! The line reading! That FACE! I kept wanting to throttle him every time he end his sentences? like? a question?

JASON: AND THE CHEESY KNIGHT RIDER CAR.

BECCA: OH YOU KNEW THAT’S THE KIND OF CAR DAVID WOULD DRIVE. It’s making me angry remembering it all over again.

JASON: At least we didn’t finish it. And it cost us nothing.

BECCA: Except our precious time.

JASON: True. But Predator is looking better, right?

We’re putting the bedsheets on. I’m still fuming.

BECCA: I mean, okay, whatever, you’re making these movies– would it kill you to write a better script? They have to say something between the nudity, but why not make it remotely interesting? Why not even capitalize on the camp value?

Climb onto the huge mattress. Something occurs to me, and I start laughing. Hard.

BECCA: I don’t think I ever told you this, but Michelle and Ben and I used to make this really REALLY lame TV show by ourselves, when I was like, 10 or 11. All the neighborhood kids had roles. We worked on it all summer. It had opening credits and a theme song, and we all had character names. Even my show back THEN was better than that. And it was really stupid. It always went the same way– we all met at our Teen Hangout, we would trade pop culture references, and then we would find out Chris Brletich was dealing with some after school special problem. Chris was using drugs or Chris was in an abusive relationship or Chris’ parents were divorcing or Chris was gay. NOTHING EVER HAPPENED TO EVERYONE ELSE. It was always Chris.

I can’t stop giggling. Jason is already under the covers and fading, but I’m still totally entertained by this show, and I so wish I had watched home videos of that instead of the Breastwick debacle. And the BOOBS. Oh my gosh. The fake breasts. My eyes were bleeding. That does not look good– all I could think about was right after I had a baby and how mine were ginormous and sore and I couldn’t sleep because I was crying over the pain and the size of them. You can’t make that sexy. Anything that involves childbirth is not hot AT ALL.

Well, thank you, Free Movie Channel, for sating my curiosity about how the other half lives. I think I’ll sit to my mainstream stuff. It can still have plot holes and cardboard acting, but at least I get a set change once in awhile.

PS: Elias is still afraid of the wind.

PPS: 350 PAGES OF ZOMBIE DELICIOUSNESS. I wrote the last two chapters today, and am now going back to bridge gaps and fill in blanks. Ah. The light at the end of the tunnel. I can almost see you.