I feel so– just. Numb? Maybe? Just numb. I feel like I’m going through a lot of the motions lately. It has been high drama, let me tell you– August, Michelle and I agreed today, is the Worst Month of the Year. It is a month when Life Bails On You and a month when Bad People Get Ahead While Good People Suffer. I keep a TON of stuff off this site– a ton– very seldom information about me, but more often information about other people (and even things other people do that affect me: you rarely hear about fights or someone insulting me, not because they don’t, but because I just decided airing it on a website isn’t fair). I have been really hurt this month, I’ve had people totally let me down, I’ve been stressed, pressured, exhausted, I’ve had moments where I wanted time to just SLOW DOWN and let me breathe, and then, all around me, my friends have been dealing with some of the most difficult issues possible. There is no relief. Usually, you have one person you can call that can tell you happy gossip. You get on the phone and you say: “HIT ME. Tell me about your puppy.” And this has been the month of them bursting into tears and sobbing that their puppy has cancer. This has been Puppy Cancer Month. I hate you, August.

This isn’t to say I haven’t had some highlights around here. I have. Eli’s first day went really well, and when he got off the bus in the afternoon, he immediately locked in on me and yelled THERE’S MY MOMMY! I MISSED YOU!– knocked me over in a bear hug– which ranked about a 4 on my Best Moments list. That was great. It was, unfortunately, precedented by an awful day at work for Jason (who HAD THE DAY OFF. It has to be BAD for you it to affect you at home) (and I don’t know if I used ‘precedented’ correctly there; but I’m too lazy to fix it).

I’ve been going to bed fully exhausted. I just collapse. During the day, I’m trying to juggle everything I need to get done and spend enough time with the kids so I can feel justified in collapsing on the bed again. It’s not even like a rut. It’s like– August just sucks. It’s just going and never being caught up.

The worst thing about this is I really WANT to be social, I feel that intense desire to be social, but I have nothing good to report and I’m drained, so it comes out awkward. Every conversation in the past week has been like being on a blind date; where I’m by turns trying to impress the other person and then wondering if they hate me. Even my stories are short and boring.

Guess what? I’m speaking at BlogHer in Greensboro! In October! About MommyBlogs! Yes, I’m totally nervous! And excited!

.. See, that’s all I have there. That was it. If we were in person, I would just be grinning now; panicked.

Sigh– thunderstorm is starting up again in the background. I went to a Henrypalooza meeting tonight, which was probably our best and really fruitful, but it took the last bit of energy I had. It was only 9 when I got out of there, too, so it wasn’t like we were burning the midnight oil. By the end, I was just staring blankly at the Fantasy Football group that had the room after us– all the grown men on the couch with their MacBooks– so many MacBooks. So many MacBooks at OUR table. I don’t even like MacBooks that much. This is what I was thinking at the very end: WHY so many Apple computers? You can’t even game on them. Unless you run Boot Camp, I thought, which is cheating; since you’re trying to have the Apple logo with a PC OS. YOU CAN’T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS. I was thinking this, seriously, literally, in my head at the sea of Fantasy Footballer’s MacBooks. DON’T BE CHEATERS, YOU GUYS. I BETTER NOT FIND WINDOWS ON ANY OF THOSE.

I can’t explain my real, genuine dislike for Apple, but it’s there. I am probably one of the only Mac users who does not like Macs at all or the lifestyle they stand for. I don’t want to be young and hip, Apple. I enjoy being old, crotchety and nerdy. When they show those PC versus Apple computers, I am PC all. the. way. It is my great desire in my computer career to have a tower that only runs Linux so I can look down on everyone else; including Current Me. Then I’ll be like, PC AND APPLE, WHAT. GNOME ALL THE WAY, BABY.

I don’t know. I told you: I’m in auto mode, here. I also don’t like Crocs. At ALL. I keep this to myself a lot because, in my vast research, approximately every American household owns 2.3 pairs of Crocs. Including other members of my extended family, and my dearest friends. Nobody is immune to the Croc plague. I don’t think there is anything redeeming about that shoe at all– if it can be called a shoe, which it isn’t– it’s a rubber clog with holes. Think it to yourself: rubber clog with holes. How. And someone will say, “Oh, I just use them in the garden because they’re so comfortable,” but that is not true. I see you guys at Cheesecake Factory in your clogs with your chinos and suit jackets. Dude. DUDE. WHAT IS THIS TOMFOOLERY.

– This is why I’m not talking to people lately. I’m telling you. August has gotten into my blood and made me mean. Do you know how long I’ve kept my Croc hate in the private recesses of my heart? YEARS. August just made me come out and say it: I HATE CROCS. SO BAD I CAN TASTE IT. And Jason tried to tell me earlier that I don’t really hate Apple, it’s just that every experience I’ve ever had with them has been awful and it’s tainted my opinion of the product, and someday, I would find a nice Apple that would treat me right and do all the things I like, and I said: No. You are wrong, Jason. Apple– deep breath– WILL NEVER MAKE ME AS HAPPY AS A PC. And Jason was like, No. You don’t mean that. And I was like, Yes. I do. August just made me realize it.