Solitary confinement.
24 Oct
OH MY GOSH. On ‘Criminal Minds’ tonight, the main abduction took place at Potomac Mills Mall. Potomac Mills. That’s where half my friends worked, where my brother skateboarded, where Jason and I went to movies every weekend. Except their Potomac Mills is COMPLETELY wrong and different than the real mall, and then the Prince William County squad cars showed up, and those were COMPLETELY wrong, too. And I can tell you from experience, because of the fake fire at the theater a year ago when the cops and firefighters came.
Never mind. It’s not that funny anymore.
It rained today; and every time it does lately I think of the wonderful post Casey wrote about the drought, and praying for rain, and how we in our modern world hardly pray for things like that anymore; the sort of things that were our forefathers’ utmost concern. The kids and I read books, made paper masks, ran a pretend restaurant, and did Learning for M&Ms, which is something I invented when Addie didn’t put the M&M’s For Toilet Training to good use. Elias did math and reading, Addie’s was just anything she pronounced correctly.
This is kind of a sad night for me, and usually I try to chipper up what I write so I can look back on it later and laugh– most of life is funny, and I’m a pretty positive person– but at the moment I’m feeling really, really dejected. It looks like with the exception of Becky Jo, no one is visiting for my birthday. Nobody. And while I genuinely don’t blame anyone– they all had legitimate things to do– it’s still my birthday, and I still feel depressed. I feel like I’m the kid in school that gave invitations to everyone in class, and nobody is coming. My family isn’t even coming. This is probably the first birthday ever where my mom won’t be there.
I was looking online tonight at places around here to go out to dinner, maybe with Jason, maybe the kids too– maybe I should find a babysitter– maybe I should go out alone– and, on the fourth restaurant out of our price range, I started getting really choked up. It’s stupid, I know. I just can’t stop crying. It’s stupid, and I know I’m not the most important person in the world and this isn’t the most important issue– but this sucks; I don’t WANT to be planning my own non-existent birthday party. Here I am, trying to book a cheap restaurant so I can have an excuse to put on my favorite dress and feel special. I don’t want to be doing this. I don’t want to guilt or obligate anyone into coming. I just wanted this to turn out– completely differently. I wanted everything about this to be different. I’m dreading the actual day now; when I wake up and put some candles in my waffle, change diapers, clean the house, make dinner. I wanted to wake up and feel like this one day was about me, and that I would be surrounded by the people I love, celebrating together.
Now my nose is all stuffy and my eyes are pink. I hate being so upset. And I know there’s a good chance I’ll post this and someone will comment and tell me how lucky slash selfish I am, and how at least I have a birthday, friends, a roof over my head– and trust me– I know that; I KNOW I’m lucky, and I know being so crushed by this is selfish, and there’s nothing anyone could write that could make me feel worse than I currently do; because I’m simultaneously feeling miserable and rejected, and beating myself up for feeling that way because at least I HAVE a birthday, friends, a roof over my head.
I don’t know what to say anymore. That’s it. I just wish it were over already, so I wouldn’t still feel so bad about it.
i think/hope everyone is pulling your leg and you’ll go about your business, depressed and lonely, and everyone will jump out of your hall closet w/ a cake and juggling clowns.
This is exactly how my 21st birthday was. I looked forward to it, nobody could come, and I was actually really upset over it. I’m not sure what to tell you, since, um, I’m still kind of bitter about it.
Although, it’s okay to be upset. That’s the one thing I wish someone would have said to me – It’s okay to be upset and to want something more than what you’re getting.
Becca-
Who are you? Oh, and yes I Am still here reading. It’s Colleen
Back to you- who are you right now…I will write this off as a “maybe it’s mother nature talking” and that’s why you’re down. I look to you – well your thoughts when I am having a crap day, so like now- you’re totally not allowed to be like this. Anywho- I am going to be 30. Now, that’s sad. Not married, no kids, and well I am what they call a “working lady”. I work. I travel for work. I eat reallly bad food for me when I work and travel. That’s something to be sad about. I have like 3 dogs- am I a crazy dog lady? maybe. Anyway- cheer up, you could live in a California, and well we all have these crap days sometimes we just aren’t all broadcasting it for people to read and judge. Hang in there- and honestly, I am selfish…because I personally hope you ARE pregnant 
1. Whoa, Potomac Mills? I mean, really. You would think they would film Springfield Mall. Something dangerous is more likely to occur there. Now I’m curious and want to watch that episode but CBS doesn’t post episodes online.
2. I would totally come to your birthday if it weren’t for the fact my semi’s are that weekend.
I love you though!!!
my 21st birthday was a let down too. without going into too much detail, it was all hyped up and i was supposed to profess my love to a girl but everything fell apart and only a quarter of my friends showed up and i had a depressing time at my own party.
aside from that, birthdays with close friends and family are preferred these days. i’m not real into partying and clubbing anymore.
cheer up. i’ll celebrate with you from chilly canadia.
It’s your party! Cry if you want to!
If it’s something that’s important to you, you really have no reason to apologize for being upset. And I mean, come on, it’s YOUR blog.
I always sort of wished my family’s birthdays were more important. I haven’t had a “special” birthday since I was 16. They just sort of come and go now.
oh becca, i feel sad that you’re sad about your birthday! i’ve been planning to send you a present (ruined the surprise, sorry :p) but it might come a bit late because of how long the post takes.
my birthday this year was so lame. i went to uni because i didn’t want to waste a leave day at home alone. pox was working, so i ate the lame dinner i’d cooked in front of the computer while i played warcraft, and my good warcraft friends weren’t even online, so i was like “i’m a sad, lonely computer nerd *sob*”.
anyway, it’s completely ok to be upset about a not-spectacular with fireworks and three types of cake birthday, because if this isn’t the time of year to be selfish then when is? hehe. i would totally come to your birthday if i lived nearby. but i’m thinking of you and celebrating with you from afar *hearts*
Oh, I know how you feel! I am in the same boat with you. My 30th (EEK!) is in December and here I am in a new state (can I say new if I have been here a year and a half?) Okay…new because I STILL have no friends in this new state hence, no birthday plans!
Add to that that I might have to leave this new state to move to another new state by years end and I am throwing one heck of a pity party right now!!!
Ah, wish we could celebrate together!
I bet your special day will be great regardless!
*squish*
V xx
I won’t tell how you how lucky/selfish you are, because I don’t think you are. Disappointment is bitter, and when you give your all every day to your children, your friends, your husband, your family, you expect it back on your birthday. You expect that in the one out of 365 days, someone could just make it about YOU – not you, the mom, or you, the wife, but you, the person. And not being acknowledged, even when our wishes may seem “stupid” to others, is a bitter pain. Not a selfish one.
I hope, despite this, you do end yo enjoying your day.
I am not leaving my house on my birthday. I’m boycotting it.
Perhaps this is not what you want to hear, but sometimes that’s what happens when you’re a grownup and you choose to live far from your family. I’ve had a few disappointing birthdays myself, where I was 2000 miles away from anyone who actually knew it was my “special” day.
Sometimes you just have to make something of it yourself (hints? threats?) or realize that a birthday is just another day.
Off-topic– are you doing NaBloPoMo?
This is exactly how I felt on my 30th bday. I feel old now because everyone else is talking about their 21st bday…25th bday etc. HA HA.
NO ONE came over on my 30th birthday. I kept thinking that my friends/family had planned a surprise party for me. So everytime I heard a car door close outside, I ran to the window to see if someone was at my house. Needless to say, no one came over. I was so disappointed. I spent it with my hubby and kids. Which of course was awesome. Its normal to feel sad because its such a big deal to you. *hugs*
Becca…
I’m really sorry that this birthday is turning out to be a bit of a bust…it’s the unfortunate side effect of being a true “grown-up”, I’m afraid. That said, I decided to make a big freakin’ deal out of my 30th (a joint video game/karaoke blowout with my husband, as our birthdays are just a couple weeks apart) and it was really fun. We rented a space and made a big deal out of inviting people…and still only half of the folks we invited came. Modern life.
People just have too much going on if they can’t help their loved ones celebrate the milestone birthdays! But in spite of the low turnout, it was great…in part because we decided it would be.
Get a sitter and go out alone with your husband would be my advice. It could be awesome in a totally different way. Then save up your huge party plans for 30 and really whoop it up. Oh, and you’ll have to throw less awesome parties for your kids until then…our grown-up things always pale in comparison to those kids’ birthdays…
I’m so sorry sweety. I’m going to try really hard to be prepared for my Sunday exam so I dont have to spend the stupid weekend on physics instead of your bday.
I know how you feel. My birthday’s Nov 14, and my parents’ anniversary is the 16th, so EVERY year since I left for college they go out of town for the week. This is the 9th year they’ll be gone for my birthday, and it still bothers me. But then I get over it, and realize other people have their own lives, and I have to get on with mine as it is.
Happy early birthday, and try not to get too caught up in the small stuff
:hugs: If you’re selfish for feeling this way than I am too. I just spent my first birthday away from my friends and family, and I felt the same way. I kept trying to write about it and every time I’d just break down and cry.
I think everyone deserves to have just one day a year where they get to feel just a little special. I’m sure even the “unlucky” people without a home/family would like to feel special on their birthday too.
:hugs: If you’re selfish for feeling this way than I am too. I just spent my first birthday away from my friends and family, and I felt the same way. I kept trying to write about it and every time I’d just break down and cry.
I think everyone deserves to have just one day a year where they get to feel just a little special. I’m sure even the “unlucky” people without a home/family would like to feel special on their birthday too.
Okay, I’m coming out of my lurking for this one. And I have been lurking for YEARS.
Hang in there. I know the feeling…I had to plan my own baby shower (so TABOO!) and guess what, NO ONE showed up. How sad is that? Sometimes people just don’t get it. And while everyone had great excuses, I still felt like crap.
Happy 25 – eventhough I live across the country (in North Dakota) and you don’t know me…I would totally celebrate your birthday with you!
i’m sorry becca
i know how it feels to have a completely ruined birthday, it happened last year and i was seriously upset becase even if it’s just a day, it’s still the day you were born and you’d like to celebrate like all people do and well, when it’s ruined, it’s the shit. i cried so much last year. i hope things get better for you. if you can’t effort a restaurant, just go to an italian pizzeria, with the kids and jason, and it will be yummi and cheap and great anyways. i hope you get better. love ya
Aww, Becca!! I think I know how you feel. except i’m not sure because i revel in my misery and it doesn’t sound like you are. don’t know what to say, except that if i lived around you, i would totally babysit Eli & Addie for your birthday, for free. and that’s saying a lot, because i hate babysitting. hope you feel better!!!
My birthday has never been a big deal to me. In fact, every year, I just sit with my parents or, in the most recent years that I have been away from home – my bf’s parents, have cake and watch a movie and relax. The one time I did something special I outright planned everything myself, every little detail… and that didn’t make me sad!
I guess I’m trying to cheer you up a bit – you really shouldn’t be this sad about it.
My bf’s birthday is coming up and he couldn’t care less.
I agree that we attach too much importance to birthdays, no matter what the number is – and who cares if you make reservations to a restaurant yourself???
It’s just a birthday!
I’m so sorry Becca. You do so much for everyone else every day of the year. You deserve to have just one day for you that’s meant to make you feel as special as you really are. I hope something amazing happens for you.
I’m going to hold out hope that there’s some fantastic birthday surprise waiting in the wings for you and that you’ll be able to come back and tell us ALL about it.
In the meantime, chin up Charlie
I’m sorry! I feel so bad! Everyone wants to be surrounded by friends and family on their birthday! It’s normal to feel bummed if they can’t make it! At least they’re giving you good reasons instead just saying they don’t feel like going! That’d be so depressing! Maybe you should do a girls night out (movies, dinner, or something like that) with just Becky Jo. Give yourself a break! You deserve it! If I were closer I’d definitely visit!
Cheer up! I hate Emo Becca (it’s rare but when it happens it makes me sad too)
i felt that way 2 years ago, on my 18th birthday. nobody was here, not even my boyfriend. he came at 9pm and left again at 10pm. i spent my birthday watching tv and crying because everyone was busy.
When I was 16, I invited all my friends to my birthday party. No one called, everyone said they’d come. No one showed up. We waited until 7:30 that night and I had spent hours crying my eyes out -before my parents took me out to dinner.
This year, though, for my 24th birthday, my Fiance forgot. He asked me why there were so many phone calls that morning. He went out and bought himself some things, and then we went out to dinner. Not any jewelry, or a card even. I felt like crap.
So, if I was closer…I’d come to your party. It sucks feeling that way, doesn’t it? *hugs* We’ll have an online party for you, hows that?!
Um, k, I LOVE ur layout. I just found your site and it’s so cool and original!
Oh no! Becca I’m so sorry I can’t be there! I thought to myself, “Oh its BECCA everybody and their mom, and their roomates’ third cousins’ neighbors’ mom would be at her party, she wont miss me!” I’d been planning on going down to VT that weekend, I’m sorry. I can try to come another weekend if you’ll still be my superfriend.
PS you need to send me you Amazon wishlist so I can send awesomeness through the mail, and be your superfriend by proxy!
Dude, we are so not judging you for being totally miserable and totally lonely and totally – everything. I’ve felt that way before, and not just on my birthday (oooh boy), although certainly then, too. Seriously, I really hope something works out. Hope something gets better soon. virtual hugs!
If I was you, you know what I’d do? Tell Jason how you’re feeling and explain how sad and bummed out you are, and give him the challenge of planning your birthday day/night! Maybe he’ll be able to pick up on your rejected feelings, and turn the charm on HUGE that day!
Most guys sometimes need a little elbowing in order to get the job done! Maybe if you tell him EVVVERRRYTHIING then he’ll take it upon himself to make sure your day is as spectacular as it can get, minus your friends and family!
You are totally and 100% allowed to feel miserable about this, at least for a little while. I’m not sure why it is that once we become Mom’s (or even adults) we’re expected to just ignore ourselves and take care of everyone else. You SHOULD get a babysitter! You SHOULD go out with your husband in your favorite dress and have a great night out! It’s your birthday!
If I lived near you, I would totally take you out. To like, Chick-fil-A or for pizza or something. Generous! I know
But we would have FUN!
Becca, I ADORE the new site design. I cannot believe you can create something so gorgeous. You ROCK.
*blows party horn*
*it makes a crappy little noise before breaking*
well this just SUCKS becca. WAY TO DEPRESS A PERSON.
you’re stupid like i am about stuff like this & it’s super cute to like a 900th degree. if you weren’t like this over stuff, i wouldn’t keep reading your site. you’re so genuinely, sweetly sensitive with a naive yet intelligent personality. you’re great.
i hope on your birthday you celebrate being you, rather being alone or surrounded by people, i hope you realize the importance of the day *you* were born and made able to make changes in this great big world. and that you gave two other lives a birthday!!!!
*sniff*
I’m not at all insulted because I wasn’t invited to your birthday party, and you’re sad cause no one is coming, and I would have come.
so, why don’t you just plan a party for a day when everyone CAN come? It’s OK to be bummed out,but seriously- you may want to get used to it now, because the older you get, the less things are about you and more about your kids, and the older we get the more responsibilities we have other than parties, etc. It’s totally OK to be bummed, but not OK to make everyone else bummed for you- it is what you make of it! Happiness is a state of mind.
Well, first of all, thank you guys SO much for all the cheer-up wishes… especially those of you who came out of lurkdom to sympathize. I really appreciate it. More than I can express.
I didn’t even know if I wanted to turn comments on this or not. Whether everyone else gets it or thinks it’s worth getting upset about, I WAS still upset. I still think it’s okay to get upset about it. I didn’t want people’s opinions on whether I deserved it by moving, or whether I should suck it up since I’m an adult now. This is my journal. I hate that I curb so much of what I write knowing that other people will read it– at the end of the day, I’m human over here, and I get happy and miserable and excited and scared, and sometimes they’re valid to other people, sometimes they’re not– but I wasn’t putting this out there for judgement. I was just sharing. It wasn’t so much that I expect a crazy celebration each birthday– I’ve been talking about my 25th birthday since I was 7. I had this one set in my mind forever. I started talking about it months ago, and I only live a few hours from my family and friends– it’s not unreasonable by any means to think they could come. I DID talk about changing the date to a time when everyone could come, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m going to spend my birthday alone. I hate the feeling that I should in any way apologize for being hurt, being disappointed, being down about this. I spend 99.9% of my life taking care of other people, and I do it happily and without complaint. My entire life revolves around other people’s needs. I just wanted ONE day about me, where from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to sleep, it was just. about. me.
And I’m not getting that. I’ve accepted it, but it doesn’t mean I’m happy about it. And I’m kind of done talking about it now. I just feel like the topic is exhausted.