I refuse to be unhappy. I had a really great day that ended on a terrible note; terrible in the worst sense because it involved money that we don’t have and bills we need to pay, and sometimes I wonder why it has to be so hard for us. I know there’s a universe of poor couples out there, and I know we all seem infallible to each other: you write emails, call, commiserate, talk about how you don’t know how to make ends meet, but you never believe that the other person is really in the same place you are, because they soldier through. You know two weeks from now they will still be in their apartment. They’ll still own their cars, they’ll still have their jobs, they’ll still be smiling and laughing. And you’re probably that way to the outside world, and they have no idea the private struggles and heartache that you’re experiencing.

But I refuse to be unhappy. They are too many unhappy people out there, and we’ve made it through worse. I don’t know how. I don’t think you ever can look back on the other side and understand how you got there, but we made it, and we’ll make it again, and it will suck and we might cry or spend nights awake worrying, but in two weeks we will probably still have our apartment and our car and our job, and we’ll be smiling and laughing, and no one– including us– will remember how difficult it was.

The good part of my day– the majority– was spent with other mothers and babies.

We woke up early, about 6. “We” meaning everyone but Jason (who needed the rest, so huzzah for sleeping in). Had breakfast. Began to pick up. J came to about three hours later, and we started laundry to wear later. Still cleaning. I take a 10-minute break with Addie because my head is pounding. From the bedroom, I can hear Elias going OW MY EAR! and a heavy buzzing.

Hair cut. Great.

Which Eli needed, definitely, but which means our bathroom will have hair in every crevice. Which means I’ll need to reclean. It means that I really hope we do an okay job, because that afternoon he had to go to a baptism party and thirty people might be pointing and laughing.

It comes out decent to good. Elias and Addie run away from their clothes. I finally get one pant leg on him, a shirt on her, and I’m sitting in my underwear looking at the clock. “Jason!” I say. “Are you packing their diaper bag?”

“Um.”

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU BETTER NOT BE PLAYING WARCRAFT.”

I hear him get out of his computer chair. “Why? We don’t need to leave for thirty minutes.”

“Okay, fine, I’ll do it myself,” I grumble. “Can you clean up after Lola at least?”

“Sure.” Back into the computer chair.

I pack the diaper bag, get the kids ready, make Eli a sandwich, make a bottle for Addie, manage to find a clean and mildly presentable outfit, and come in to get J. Lola’s stuff? STILL THERE. “10 minute warning!”

“Sure.” He doesn’t move.

“Um, that means, if you have to get ready– like to do your hair?– you have ten minutes. We are walking out in ten minutes.”

“Okay,” he sighs, “let me just run over here…”

I come into the living room, where Elias has taken out nineteen toys and pulled his socks off. “I HATE DIS!” he sobs. “I GO WILEY’S HOUSE PWAY TOYS NOT GO PARTEE!”

“PLEASE,” I beg, pulling at my face. “PUT. YOUR. SOCKS ON.”

Jason comes out, dressed to the nines. Hair is expertly gelled. “How do I look?” he asks, turning.

Me, in my schlubby jeans and ill-fitting tee shirt: “Great. You look awesome.”

We get everyone in the car. The house is still horrible. I have no idea how it’s possible to clean for TWO HOURS and have it look that bad, but it does. Cousin Erin and Riley are visiting later, but they’re meeting us at my mom’s house and then driving back to the apartment. “I’ll clean it later,” Jason promises. “Before you guys show up.”

“O-kay,” I answer.

We’re going to visit Bianca and family. Alyssa had been baptized that morning, and they were having a huge bash to celebrate. It’s in Lorton. We get there 40 minutes early, but miss the turn, and end up actually arriving at the destination only 5 minutes to party time.

Bianca’s mom greets us, and we chat. J is holding Elias, who’s still asleep, and I’m holding Addie. We go around and do introductions. Bianca’s mom says Bianca is on the way. I think I’m going to explode with excitement because I HEART BIANCA.

B finally arrives about seven minutes later, and she comes in the door and we see each other, and you’d think one of us was returning from war.

BIANCA: BECCA!

BECCA: BIANCA!

– and we actually squeal as we run toward each other, and if you have not met Bianca, you are missing out. She is the embodiment of Girl Friendship. She’s the sort of buddy that I would’ve linked arms with in high school, and saved seats for, and she would have passed me notes with big hearts on the front that were like FOR BECCA’S EYES ONLY! We’re like the only people in the room. She asks to hold Addie. I warn her about how heavy she is. Bianca says Alyssa is heavy too, don’t even worry about it, and she just props Addie up– no problem.

We sit on the couch and gossip until the minute I have to leave. Highlights:

I accidentally grabbed her breast– I was going for her arm (PS: I am a Talk Toucher; like my hand will be on your shoulder or leg at all times), and somehow I landed on her chest instead. But Bianca? WOW. Good job there. (PPS: I told her she could write BECCA IS A MOLESTER on her LiveJournal later.)

Bianca managed to knock over a Coke with her foot, which she blushed over and we tried to clean up, and then after apologizing for being so clumsy, she dropped rice down her shirt.

She apologized for “stuffing her face”, too, which translated into “actually eating a meal very normally”.

She is even skinnier than in photos, but it’s obviously a Great Genes thin. She also has perfect hair and the clearest skin I’ve ever seen. And she’s just ridiculously beautiful. The end. I know she gets embarrassed by compliments, but if I were a guy, Bianca is the sort of girl that would be totally out of my league. Heh.

We all said goodbye and made plans for Eli’s birthday next month. Off to my parent’s.

Michelle comes out front to our car as we park. She’s bronzed from the cruise. She says HI, and HOW ARE YOU!, and I HAVE PICTURES TO SHOW YOU! Chris is inside, and I try to not be a jerk but I ask if he could leave? Because he had her the whole week, and all the guys were leaving, and we just wanted girl time. Chris is sad, but he agrees. I really appreciate it.

Jason and Dad go outside to look at our other car, which is parked at their house, and work on the battery. Shelly hooks up her camera to the television and does a photo slideshow. We look. Ohh and ahh. Want to go on a cruise ourselves. Michelle says I’m so enthusiastic that it’s almost insincere.

MICHELLE: … and here’s a shot I took of a wall…

BECCA: FABULOUS!

MICHELLE: … and some grass…

BECCA: REMARKABLE!

MICHELLE: … and my toe…

BECCA: INSPIRATIONAL!

I told Erin how Bianca knew all about her because she reads my site, and Bianca had asked when they were going to try for a second baby. And Erin said, “Well– maybe next month?” Needless to say, I was giddy.

Jason and Dad come in. The car isn’t working. J is depressed. He leaves to go home and clean. (Which I found out later he didn’t do, because he was in too miserable a mood. He levelled his main Warcraft character instead.)

Girl time. We play Truth. Michelle bought some cards at Target for a dollar, and they have all these questions on them. The only one I remember was, “Which celebrity would you like to go out to dinner with?” and I chose Hugh Laurie, and Erin said, “Heath Ledger just seems so sweet!” and we were all like, GANK! HEATH LEDGER! Then I said someone else that I didn’t really care about, but later we were talking about Best Movie Kisses and I said, “The Notebook! But inside the house, after the outside rain kiss,” and they were all like, OH YEAH!, and then I bumped the other guy for Ryan Gosling.

We make some spaghetti for dinner. I’m all, Well, I’m never gonna be as hot as Bianca. BOTTOMS UP! Heh. I have two plates and three slices of garlic bread. It was one of the best meals ever. Cold Diet Pepsi. Wonderful. Riley and Elias and Addie have been playing together all night; which basically involves one of them punching the other and laughing.

Jason comes back to pick us up. Erin follows. On the ride back, we try to figure out what to do about the other non-working car. It probably needs roughly two thousand dollars in repairs. One thing. After another. My dad wants the money for it, and he wants it moved out of his driveway. J talks about getting a second job. I don’t even know what to say, so I just tell him I love him and anything I can do, I will. I’d work part time, but he thinks he’d make more (true) so it’s not even worth pursuing.

I always think in five, ten years, we’ll have no car payment and no debt, and we’ll be making good money and be stable. Five, ten years; everything will be good. I’m starting to wonder if that’s true. It’s possible, definitely, but life is all possibilities. You can do the absolute best with what you’re given and it doesn’t guarantee anything.

Erin is supposed to be picking up Eli’s old bed, but once we inspect her trunk we realize it won’t fit. She says she’ll come back next weekend with a truck. Agreed. She runs a walker up, some more clothes for Addie, and comes back with all the clothes Addie’s outgrown. (We’re just forever exchanging baby outfits.) Hug, kiss, see you soon, and she and Riley drive back to Maryland.

I don’t know what to do tonight.

It’s 10. Addie is awake, barely. Elias is down. Jason is Warcrafting. There’s nothing on television. I’m going to upload the photos for the day, and maybe just sleep. Finally.